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my life summed up on a flickering webpage
20 most recent entries

Date:2004-11-08 21:14
Subject:I do believe in God, and the only thing thats scares me is Kaiser Schozai
Mood: blank

He walked in sat down. Answered all the questions. He told beautiful stories from his life. He got up

"And poof, he was gone"....

My last post. It's been fun.... poof Im gone.....
Or as someone I used to know said "It's been swell but the swelling's gone down"


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Date:2004-10-30 00:33
Subject:they don't sleep anymore on the beach....
Mood: blank

I have so much work to do and no desire to do it. I've never had such little motivation in my life. Other than that I'm rediculously happy, then rediculously sad, and at nothing sometimes. If I could focus on anything important how great a man I'd be. If I could put my energy into something rewarding how wealthy I'd be.

Ok, I have nothing else to say. THis is stupid. Fuck it
Fuck you, Fuck me.....

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Date:2004-10-23 10:44
Subject:mark these words on his grave....

Oh the mistakes we make... If only we could go back instead of biting this rusty bullet. "What was I thinking", "what the he ll was I on", "what am I gonna do now".

So many questions... So many fears.....

Time for me to eat that bullet.

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Date:2004-10-19 13:41

Im feeling really good today.... REally good indeed. Had the funniest night last night Tim, Pat and Jeremey came over and Heather and the rest of us went to burger kind. We demanded food 5 minutes to close which was very assholl on our behalfs but whatever, I've never done that. I brought my video cam with me to document the occasion. We were going to call it supersize me 2. I know quite lame but mose sequel titles are.... We tried to bust into the playplace but we didnt make it past the little manager in the back teeling us we weren't allowed in there. Then we all listen to some heavy jungle before calling it a night.

Got a chemm lab which I need to get ready for. God they are so annoying. We have to dree like bill nye fully decked in lab coats and crazy goggle which we have to wear for three hours!!! It sucks. Oh well. Even though I'm feeling good I'm quite out of it. Im off to study for geography and then to my lab.

See ya lata bye!!!

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Date:2004-10-18 00:08
Subject:you should have seen the curse that flew by you.....
Mood: crazy

wow!!! I love it. This post is an ode (I hope I spelled that right) to Jenny, whose once again opened my eyes even wider to more music!!! I've been captivated by all this stuff for the whole weekend. Thanks Jenny, your the best!!!! Um and I haven't been on in a while but I see I haven't missed much.... Nothing but exams going on you can tell.... Ok I really have nothing else to say except.....


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Date:2004-10-14 10:13
Subject:9 months....

I feel like I'm pregnant or something:) Feeling ill every morning lately. Well, it is a bit of anxiety from having midterms but I always wonder what it would be like to be pregnant. Well, actually I don't, it makes me more sick than the morning sickness...

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Date:2004-10-14 09:59
Subject:dream on
Mood: amused

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. I wish they were longer and more flowy but I wake up often during them. Today I was dreaming about so many things. I love how dreams seem to incoporate some reality or something that you've seen or done sometimes. I dream't I was, fuck, see I forget them all the time to. It was like a family trip to the beach, but it wasn't my family. The father had all these cool gadgets like a camera that was disguised to look like a fishing lure. We were going to go surfing and as I was getting ready by the car there was this lady tanning on a chair in the middle of the road. We spoke about a few things I don't recall. I then asked her the obvious question which was why she was tanning in the middle of the street for which she replied she was looking after someones cat. I then noticed the kitten romping around close by. Then I turn around and Owen Wilson is coming towards us with his surf board and the dream ends.

Now I wonder what that means. It was cool though. The kitten looked exactly like Jennys little kitty boomer and I was watching Starsky and Hutch the other day which might explain why Owen Wilson was there but as for the rest, fabrication from my mind. Very interesting....

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Date:2004-10-10 14:16
Subject:I don't feel very important....

I checked my email today and the only one that was in there was something I sent myself. I feel like such a loser. Well, this weekend has been pretty good. Started off with a bang and plenty of tranquilizing turkey to end it off smoothly. Went to an awsome rave on Friday with Heather and Joelle. It was amazing to say the least. THe bass was so intense it made my nose tickle. We stayed till about 5AM or so and then went home to sleep and Heather got up at like 7 in the morining to work. I could never do that. She is a trooper.

Well, I'm super duper freaked about my exams. So worried I'm going to fuck things up again. I've fallen behind a lot because of the many things on my mind so I'm super worried. What if I don't come back guys? Will you miss me? I need to stay focused but its been rather difficult. Well, it will happen. I know I can do this. I know that everything thats going on right now is going to be solved and everything is going to turn out well. I deserve it. I want it and I'll have it.

The sun is peeking through the clouds in my mind and will tickle my nose again soon:)

Hope everybody has an awsome thanksgiving and that everybody finds something to be thankful for. I know I have many things to be thankful for.


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Date:2004-10-07 16:25

Got the new cd today. Boo hoo!!!!! Its awsome. Its so emo!!! and I love it...


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Date:2004-10-07 01:33

Somebody saw you on fire
These are the days of a gun
Nobody'd say you won't try it
You are the sword I'm falling on
Your not solid for no reason
What say you see them falling down dead
How do you stay a lover inside?
How do you stay a lover inside?

Somebody saw you on fire
These are the days of a gun
Nobody'd say you won't try it
You are the sword I'm falling on

Don't say there's no challenge
What sort of thing are we starting?

Who are you when you're not what you fear
What say you see them falling down dead

How do you stay a lover inside?
How do you stay a lover inside?

Learning blood
Long as your heart don't have to share
All turned on
To reach the wounded sounded fair
Handcuff a tongue
I can't believe it's so unfair

Some day
Some day

My new favorite song.....msg me and I'll send it to you... Beautiful

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Date:2004-10-04 00:16
Subject:the night sky shines on me and shadowless I walk

I'm walking. Walking through Johnston green after a long treck down College. I do this walk often and everytime I do I like to wonder if I'm dreaming or not. I walk and wonder if this is a dream and if I try hard enough, I might be able to fly. I never try cause I wouldn't want to dissapoint myself because these walks are so perfect. It's dark and I see these two paths blazed into the ground by hundreds and hundreds of feet. As I walk my eyes flutter as I look aroud and then they close and I outstretch my arms. I turn my head around as if looking around at the dark scenery but my eyes are closed. I can hear the trees, and some people playing in the middle of the feild I kind of lose my bearing and alll of a sudden experience a feeling of total confusion. I expect to feel some trees brush my face as I walk to close to them. I expect to stumble on something on the ground. The blazed path still blazes in my mind and it feels like an infinite distance. I start to vere off the path and let myself do it. More exciting to not know where I'm going. I stop after awhile and stoop down and feel the grass. I can see it in my mind but its really long I can see al these little bugs in the grass. They arent scary, they just crawl around and mind thier own business. I keep going along. After what seems like an eterninty I open my eyes and find I'm only half way. I love this walk cause it allows me to dream and be awake at the same time. Very surreal.

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Date:2004-10-02 23:52
Subject:breakin my back just to know your name.....
Mood: cold

Well, I've just finished a pretty dull day. I went to a movie by myself again. I kinda like it and I think I may make it a little ritual. I played some guitar and di some chemistry. I'm so afraid I've wasted so much time. I've wasted so much time and I can't ever get it back. It sucks but I think I'll chalk it up to experience. I'm gonna try not to dwell on it.

My mind is toxic these days. I'm glad I'm gonna go see a councellor on tuesday caus eI need to rewokr my brain. Need to do some serious rewiring. It's probably gonna be hard to change but I'm so ready cause I've had enough of my thoughts. I wonder sometimes if I can change. You know they say some people can't change. I wonder if people can't even change for the good? If not I'm fucked, but here's hopin.

I'm about to start a really neat book about the brain. Should be cool. I need to read more. There so much out ther and I haven't even touched the surface of what i want ot learn.

I wanna run away so badly right now... I need to get far away for a bit. "Catch the next bus". She said she'd never do it but it's happening on monday aft... "All the reasons I won't run" listen to it again....

ok thats enough. I've dug a big enough hole, in my head..... now lets bury it

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Date:2004-10-02 13:04
Subject:three blind mice......

Lots a driving yesterday. Dropped Hollie off at home in buttfuck Idaho. Probably took the most obscure route we could have possibly taken but it was still good cause we just got to spend some alone time together and shoot shit about everything. Then I went to Vaughan, and got to play with my beautiful snake. Oh.... I miss her so much. and I met up with my buddies steve and alfredo. Then it was off to woodbridge to pick up Joe at his last day at work. He works with weird people who wear too much cologne and gel, well, thats what you get from aldo I guess. And then it was off to vaughan again to meet joes girlfriend who happened to be this awsome girl who was really funny. I'm sorry, but working at aldo I was suspect to thinking he might be dating some scary gina. It was good that she wasn't. So we all came back to my house and had drinks and just talked and played guitar and talked and drank and talked. I seriously have never spoken so much in my life. I was starting to feel like Jenny at the end of the night:) bY 1:30 or 2 everyone decided to leave and I decided to go to bed soon after. "I awoke serveral hours later"- as peter griffin would say. To this faint faint sound of munching, I was like " oh nice a mouse, well whatever" I lay there trying to get back to sleep and then heard somthing large being dragged acroos the floor and munching coming all around me I go tup fast and turned the lights on and like 5 mice scattered away. I was releived that there wasn't some super sized rat in there but still kinda wierded out so I ended up going to bed upstairs.

Funny, scary night....

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Date:2004-10-02 02:16
Subject:drunken stuper!!!

Whoa I'm drunk. So I'll write as little as pssible and then go to bed. Awsome night filled with old friends and made some new ones. In my house all alone so Ican walk around naked. Sweertr!! Ok I'l post more later

after sleep

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Date:2004-09-30 01:15
Subject:lorda mercy!!!!

I have nothing to say. And it feels great!!!! I get claculus. NOw all I need is to get chem and this new weird shit we're dong in economics and I'll be set.

THings are lookin good:)

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Date:2004-09-29 00:20
Subject:I knew it.....
Mood: awake

I've done exactly what I was afraid of and it's my own fault. So I've made plans of action to stop it. It's stopped it's done, lets just pray the damage hasn't ben too severe.

It's dark out but I can't sleep. I'm tired but I can't close my eyes. I feel drain but I can't put the plug in. Or I can't plug out. I can't unplug my mind, let thoughts drain. Let new ones flow in. The doctors say that there isn't enough of this chemical called seratonin in my brain. I refuse to believe it is chemical, I believe it is something much stronger than any compound. It isn't something science can explain. It isn't something that anyone else has felt. I'd like to take the easy route and say that there was some medicine out there for me but I need something more tangible.

I need the sun to shine and tickle my nose, but I fear the winters have made the days far too short.
I take comfort that it is just a season in change. It's just a "cycle", and I take comfort in that it will go back to the way it is. These cycles are constant and never change. I take comfort that the sun will tickle my nose again from now till the day I die.

I've never looked forward to sunny days as much as I have today...

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Date:2004-09-27 23:31

why, do I need to know how to gravimetrically analyze copper? what is the fucking use of that. I tell you so much of the discoveries in science are so rediculous because they have no application. We love to discover new and stupid things just to prove that we're smart and powerful. Like IBM drawing thier logo on a grain of rice using single molecules. Scientists are (lets see if this simile is too much of a stretch) like bodybuilders in that both are hoplessly selfconcious and do things no matter how stupid they are so that the outside world may view them as powerful.

People are so fucked like that.

We think we're so smart and we've found so many amazing things and we've accoplished and yet there were people 10s of thousands of years ago that accoplished way more and we still don't know how they did it. I wonder if we really have gotten smarter or if we've just found adifferent pathway of learning. We measure the length of the years with digital devices and satelites. The mayans got it down to almost as great a precision as we did by studying the stars and planets in orbit. How fucked is that? We just take a different pathway. I wonder whose is better?

well, I've officially delved into nerdom so I'll stop right now.

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Date:2004-09-27 09:29
Subject:witness to the human condition.....

I walked back from my early ass fuckin class and noticed a balding man in his late 40's walking ahead of me in a leopard print blouse and ladies pants and heels. I followed him for quite some time taking not at the hundreds of faces that watched him as they went by on thier own walk to and from classes. SOme people double taked, and there were whole groups of people that turned around and watched him laughing out loud. I wondered if the man cared. He chose to deviate from the norm in an area where people are from small towns so is he willing to pay the price of weird looks. Maybe he enjoys it....

Oh and I must go on about something else.....

I've never met dude... but there are enough of them here this year to make me go insane. Has anyone told these guys that, um, there isn't an Ocean around for like a thousand kilometers!!!!!!!!!! I walked by this guy today with the surf shorts, billabong hat of course and a fucking skin tight neoprene wetsuit top. He seriously looked like he just stepped out of the Ocean. Fuckin weird, this breed.

Ok I'm done, Off to my field trip!!!!!!!

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Date:2004-09-25 10:15
Subject:had to post this for Jenny, Hollie, and Joelle. HAD TO!!!!!!

You Know You're From Toronto When...

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You can recommend about 3 good body piercing parlours.

You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.

You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian Flags.

When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell "Woohooo! Patio weather!"

You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV

You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every episode of Speaker's Corner.

You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.

You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.

You've partied with at least one of the members of The Kids in the Hall

You've fantasized about having sex in Casa Loma

At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver

You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented by the S&M crowd. (Scarborough and Mississauga)

You never, never, never swim in the lake

You know "The Beaches" are really called "The Beach", but still say "The Beaches" just to annoy all the nitwits who live there

You ever had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder or The Mad Hatter

You can say "world's tallest freestanding structure" ten times fast

You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?" is "The Don River"

You speak better Chinese than French

The word "cabbagetown" doesn't strike you as particularily amusing

Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of the universe for you.

You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for

You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection of being there in a past life

You know the Demic's song "I Wanna Go To New York City" was intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion

You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry, Pad Thai and a dildo at 3 am on a weeknight

For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!

You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.

It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the envy of all your friends.

You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.

You know someone who went to high school with at least one member of The Barenaked Ladies or RUSH

You laugh heartily at people who refer to highway four hundred and one.

You've taken the vomit comit.

You can manuver your bike across Queen st. without getting caught in the streetcar tracks.

You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakoptia.

You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that are open till 11 PM.

You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Toronto.

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Date:2004-09-25 10:02
Subject:what a boring year.....

In 1983 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan is president of the US

Sally Ride becomes the first American woman to travel in space

Marines are killed when a TNT laden suicide terrorists blows up Marine headquarters at Beirut International Airport

US Marines and Rangers invade the island of Grenada and evacuate hundreds of US citizens

The Soviets shoot down Korean Airlines flight 007

The Internet Domain Name System was invented by Paul Mockapetris

Ronald Wilson Reagan signs a bill creating Martin Luther King Day

Baltimore Orioles win the World Series

Washington Redskins win Superbowl XVII

New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup

Return of the Jedi is the top grossing film

"Every Breath You Take" by The Police spends the most time at the top of US charts

The A-Team and Webster premiere

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

More cool things for your blog at

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